it's reality,

five years is too long. five years, five years, five years. you just miss so much in five years. five years without seeing your face just adds up to all the years i haven't seen you. the five years that you'll miss. the five years of not seeing anyone. the five years you need in order to come back to reality. the five years of not celebrating christmas with your loving family. the five years of no decent fresh air. the five years that could have been something else. the five years ... the five years that's going to fly by slowly. and the five years, when your gone.

it's been a couple of weeks now, where i just sit and wonder. when i actually thought i would get to see my own father again. unfortunately, he ends up moving more distant that i thought. 

i love my dad. i really do. growing up, i hated everything about him. i hated what everyone had to say. the fact that i was looked down on for being his child. i hated him. i hated him so much, i never wanted to see his face again. come to think of it, i need watch what i saw next time. cause look now, reality strikes. 11 years now, up and down the street, it's been this way. this wouldn't have happened if he saw reality. if he could only come back to his senses. 

my dad, i'm going to miss him. five more years to add of not seeing him. being shipped off to a federal prison on the mainland doesn't sounds so great. i just keep thinking, why? why does it always have to be this way?

i almost cried today after hearing the conversation from my grandfather. i don't even want to think about it, but it's seems so legit to write. my dad visited them for one last time. my papa asked my dad "so, how many more years?". my dad answered "5 years" and asked my papa "how old are you going to be in 5 years?". my papa answers "91 years old". and my dad begins to cry, cry, covering his face with guilt and shame. listening to my aunty, papa, and my mom talk about that made my heart dread inside. i felt like crying a river after hearing that. it made me melt to the floor, and i just don't want to think about it anymore.

it's just another one of those sad goodbyes.