All in,

http://kathreenmei.tumblr.com/

Hmm,

Its funny how they say they care, yet, your left hanging. Life is so cruel. No matter what you do, it just never seems good enough. I hate all these misunderstandings. I hate all the assumptions being made. I don't understand anymore. It's like a cloud blocking my way through the path. I don't know what to do anymore. I fuck up. I admitted it. But I'm trying. I'm learning through all of this karma. Fuck, I don't even know what the hell I'm saying. Whatever, not like it matters anyway.

FAIL,

So, I feel like shit. I hate putting up my front, but I guess I have no other choice right now. Everything feels so distant, and I guess everything and everyone just wants to run away. I'm tired of putting up a fight. I want to give in, but just knowing that the spotlight is on me just keeps me going. Sooner or later, they're going to realize right? I mean, I'm breathless trying to constantly explain myself, even through my darkest fight. No matter what, I'm breaking, and falling deeper and deeper in the whole that I've began digging. Life's a drag. I just hate all of this bullshit I have to put up with. If only you had an idea...

I've been so down lately, it's pretty sad. I mean, I'm wasting away, wondering how everyone's doing, beside the fact that I'm not even focusing a bit on myself. I cried myself to sleep last night on how big of a failure I am. Like seriously? I failed my second semester in school, being a best friend, a potential girlfriend, a daughter, a sister? I failed, and you know what? I'm the only one everyone looks to blame.

But whatever, there's a reason for everything. Shit happens, and this times, this will be the last. I'm going to fucking learn from this, cause I swear, I don't think I ever want to put myself through my own damn misery again. I just caused a big fucking mess.

And,

Goodbye to the world,

the sun, the moon, and the stars.

Goodnight.

Daily thoughts,

I've got myself in a deep mind of thought today. On my way back home, I saw this homeless lady pulling all her clothes and necessities with her. I'm guessing there were about 5 carts she pulled, one at a time. It was pretty sad to watch, and the people passing by looked at her as a pathetic person on the street. Every time I see something like that, I just wish there was something I could do, just a bit to help out. It just seems so hopeless to do anything. But just watching that lady do that made me realize and appreciate everything that I carry on my shoulders right now.

And I definately made up my mind. I know what I want to pursue in. I still want to get my Bachelor in Science for nursing, but also, I want to major in Early childhood education. I've been looking into it for a long time, and I think that's my ultimate goal, to work with children. I told myself, if this is what I want, I'm going to get it done. No matter how long it's going to take, no matter how much I need to sacrifice, I'm going to get it done.

Hmm, Just thought I would let you know.

I'm,

at my breaking point.

I'm losing it.

Contemplate,

So, I had a nice day, I guess? But man, I got myself with this shit pretty good. I had church service in the morning and got my nursery kids running all over the place. And OMG, it was so hot. I was sweating, and I felt so nasty. Thank god my sister helped me since he didn't come to church. Also, we went to waipahu today to visit the family. And funny thing was, all these stupid love songs we're playing on the radio. Fuck, "My Boo" by Usher and Alicia Keys played. I started reminiscing about my ex-ex-ex boyfriend when we used to sing that song on the phone together. Oh shit, I wanted to crack up in the car soooo bad, but I didn't want to look crazy laughing at myself in the car. Then, "Better in Time" by Leona Lewis played, and I was like shit...I ain't going to put myself back into memory lane again.

But once we got to my family's house, come to find out, my grandpa went back to the hospital. I wanted to cry again since it was worse than before, and really...what more can we do? But I got to play with my neice and watch this filipino love movie with my cousins for a while. After that, we headed to the hospital and took care of my grandpa for 3 hours, and went home. I wanted a goodbye, but he went to sleep. I snuggled him up and everything, and just left the room.

Life,

can be so cruel.

I'm trying to make things better and have time take it's place.

Yet, I'm letting so much push into me.

And everytime, I tell myself that I'm going to make it through.

And that I will eventually get things better.

But really? I don't understand anymore.

I'm the one who wanted my space,

My time, for my place.

Yet, I let all this bullshit get to me.

God.