I lied,

I couldn't stay away from blogspot like I intended on doing so, and obviously, I didn't follow through. I've been pretty messed up lately. Let's just say that things are running smoothly for me and I wish I could do something about it, but I have no control over anything right now. Being the coward and chicken shit that I am, I can't. I'm trying so hard to do the best I can on focusing on school like I promised, but it's hard. I hate failing and later, regreting my decisions. It sucks and I hate myself for it. School and my family is my main priority right now, nothing else should be bothering. If I was to tell someone that, I'd be lying in an instant. Cause there's more to school and family...man. I'm disappointed at myself and probably one of the biggest disappointment to everyone else. I blame myself for trying in the beginning, when I already knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. Man, life sucks right now.

And on top of that, I need a second job. Just to occupy my summer, cause I know for sure that I don't want to work at the bank full time, that's just toooo much! And I think, I need to rejuvenate myself during my summer, so that I would be able to do much better for fall 2009. Ha, I haven't even registered for my classes yet :/

Me and girlfriend had our "boy" talks today :) Man, she sure as hell knows what they hell she's talking about and what we're both going through. Man, stupid tricks. Haha, I think it's just ridiculous at times, UGH.

Okay, I'm still debating if I should use this or my tumblr account, HAHA -_-

GONE.

ONCE AND FOR ALL.

I'LL BE MIA FOR A WHILE.

JUST FIND ME ON MYSPACE (MYSPACE.COM/ILOVEMEI)

GOODBYE.

:)

THESE MAKE ME HAPPPPPPPY :D

Sometimes,

I wish you could understand. But I highly doubt you do. Just look at what your doing, I'm not doing anything. Your putting yourself through your own fall. All I asked for was my space, from the both of you. I'm not pushing anyone away. I'm still here ain't I? I'm standing right next to you, but you keep thinking I'm just moving farther and farther away from you.

I don't understand what's going on in this world anymore. I'm not doing anything. I know I'm not. I'm just doing my own thing. I don't think I need anymore explanation cause I'm sick of explaining myself already. I've done the best I could, and I think it's more than enough. And plus, I'm already dealing with my own shit, I don't need anymore of this bullshit. My subsequent downfall is my fault? I'm not the only fucking one in this world. Everything is all out in the open. There's no more fooling. I hate this stupid plays and tricks.

And for you, I hate this. I hate like I'm giving in to you. I feel like I'm always the one coming back, falling into your arms, when in the first place, I didn't want it. Then why am I doing this? WHY? It doesn't seem like your ready. And your in your own place, so I'm trying to be on my own. I didn't know it was going to be this hard, but what do you expect? I keep falling more and more, it's like I'm tripping on every fucking step I take. I'm going crazy. I don't know what I want anymore.

One thing I hate about being open with my feelings, is hurting. I don't want to hurt anyone, but in this case, one person is always getting hurt or fucking up my words with a misunderstanding statement that I didn't not position for that case. I'm trying so hard to be open, but at the same time, I'm holding myself the fuck back cause I feel like I'm crossing the line. I probably already did, but fuck it already. Fuck it all.

Don't act like you give a shit. Cause in my eyes, I don't see shit. How can someone say they want you? They love you? They want to be with you? and look, nothing. You guys don't know me. I fucking expect everything. I have my standards and so far, no one has ever soared that high. I don't think I ever want to deal with another guy. I'm sick of it, really. I think I just want myself for the rest of my life. How can you love someone? How can things go downhill in a short time? Look at my parents, and now this bullshit? I don't think I ever want to love someone again. This pain is too much for me. I don't want to be with someone who hurts me and can't control and open their damn eyes. I don't want to ever end up with what my parents went through. Maybe that's why I always wanted things to be perfect. but you know what? Fuck it already. FUCK LOVE. I don't need it anymore. I'm done.

Thank god I have someone who knows what I'm going through. She's going through the same shit I'm going through too. And me and her just fuck it. HA, stupid tricks. Right Chantel? They don't know what they fucking want. Their ego is always in the fucking way, that they can't see how we're feeling and what they're putting us through. We ain't doing shit. And I'm fucking sick of hearing how it's my fault. Fuck that man, FUCK THAT.

Deuces.

Fail,

I'm done. I'm done trying with them. I'm caught in their choke hold, and they don't know it. They don't fucking get it, and probably never will. I'm so sick and tired of the bullshit I have to put up with. Hindi ko kaya. I can't. I just can't do it anymore. I'm done.

I had the worse wake up call yesterday. I've never had such a feeling in my gut that spikes me so hard. My grandpa. My papa. My angel. He had a heart attack. I called my aunty right when I got to work. And once she said those two pain staking words, a knife stabbed my back, and I fell to my knees. I cried so hard. I ran to Kuya Laurence and Aj and cried. I choked and cried. I was shaking, that I couldn't even manage to stand or breath anymore. Why him? How? WHY!? So much fucking questions ran through my mind within a minute, tick tocking away. I called my mom and she told me to run to the bank and tell them I can't go in today. And thank god they let me off. Matt came back to pick me up and basically sat and cried the whole time. He dropped me off at my family's house in Waipahu and waited for my aunty and went to the hospital. Once we got to the hospital, it began to rain, like crazy. Dark, cloudy, and gust of wind blowing rain onto me. Me and my family got to the hospital and walking in the room had to be the most scariest thing. I saw my grandpa, and there he laid so helpless. Not moving, and remaining in a unconscious state with breathing machines down his throat. Right there and then, I hit the ground and I just sat and cried to myself.

It was the most hardest thing to see, ever. And since it's my first time dealing with this kind of thing, it hit me pretty hard. I've never seen anything so helpless, and I wish I could just do something about it. But I can't. All I have now is god, and I just need to keep my faith, hope, and pray.

I love you, papa <3

SHIT,

I hate boys. I hate boys. No, I don't, but I wish I could. They drive me fucking crazy. Like seriously, god. What did I do to fucking deserve this bullshit? They don't understand fucking english. They can't listen to what you have to say. And they blow up on you! Like seriously? Can you be anymore of an ass?! You can't put yourself in our shoes after all we have to fucking put up with you men!? I hate this. I really do. They're driving me nuts, that I just wish I could grow a dick, cause baby, THEY'D BE SUCKING ON THE WORLD. Make them fucking choke and spit on every word that fucking comes out of that mouth. I may sound like a dick right now, but this is what you fucking dumbass fucking bitches are doing to me. I might as well go turn the fucking other way. This bullshit ain't fucking worth it! UGHHHH!.